dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
