Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
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