The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
