Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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