I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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