So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
