So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
