Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
