At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
MIDGETS
????
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
