I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Randomize
