how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
