You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
