i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
