He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
