I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
