her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
