I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
