I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
