he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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