im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
