i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
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