I met the friendliest cop last night
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
they need to just BURY HIM!
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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