You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
