Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Randomize
