So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
