Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
