We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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