soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
