Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
