You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
