i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
