i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Randomize
