There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
