You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
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