I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
