I hate your face
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
