Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Drunk is a universal language darling
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