Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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