All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
