saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Too much gin, very little bucket
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Randomize
