dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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