hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Randomize
