sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
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