u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
