Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Randomize
