he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
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