I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Be still, my beating vagina.
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Do I have a choice?
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He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
