somebody snuck up and got me drunk
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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