god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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