I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
