nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Randomize
