3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
